selfdiver.com

… not so bad. During these three and a half months I took part in several notable events. I went on Metallica gig in Sofia. To be honest I must say that bass and drums were louder than the guitars, but I heard from other people who were at different places that the sound was brilliant. Nevermind. I was in front of the stage. Shouting, singing, jumping. It was crazy. This will be a notable moment in my life.

I visited a small part of southwest Romania. I took a trip with a motor boat along the Danube River and slide on the water with a water jet. I tried some fishing and enjoyed the beautiful nature of this region where Danube crosses the Carpathian Mountains. It was amazing.

On back trip from the Black Sea I lost the road. It was raining, I couldn’t see any plate that supposed to indicate where to turn and at some moment I realized that I drive in wrong direction. And this is where the adventure began. I tried to compensate the delay and decide not to back to the point where I lost the direction. That’s why I chose a route through smaller roads. Everything went by plan when … the road became almost off-road. There were no any index plates and no people. It was still raining. I felt in the middle of nowhere. Absolutely alone with my daughter and wife. It was really scary. Finally I found a person who tell me where to proceed. It was the most nightmarish ten kilometers in my life. It took me fifty minutes to cover that distance. No other person, no index plate, no other car. Raining, half-eaten road because of the landslides, awful road surface with very big holes. During that time I was scared and cursed myself for loosing the road and for my choice. Well, if I didn’t miss the turn and didn’t decide to go through the smaller roads I wouldn’t have a story. That’s funny, isn’t it. Sometimes it’s boring to do the things only in the right way. Making a mistake brings you to places which you probably never visit.

Too long since the last time I’ve been here. Many things have happened. I did not improve my English. I hope I did not worsen it too. Well it’s pleasure to write something. Since May I’ve been working in a new firm. It took a lot of my time and attention. New guys, new rules, new challenges. But I had to change the workplace and the type of the work. I think everything is going well till now. My ambition is to start working for myself. And that what really scares me. In order to work for yourself you need to be able to find a job and to persuade the people that you are the best guy for this. And know what? I can’t! Damn it! I’m 35 and still await someone else to find me a job and at the end of the month to pay my time. I don’t know how do you feel but I feel like a little helpless boy. I’m not good enough in social contacts. I’m not good enough in taking risks. But still want to be something like an entrepreneur. (This word was really hard to write!) So that’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight of my anxious mind. Loosing my inner peace. I’m really very confused. Well this could be the beginning of something interesting. I have read recently the Steve Jobs speech addressed to the Stanford University’s graduates. It is really an inspiring piece of mind. Especially the final words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”

Escaping from the abstract useless thoughts of my last post I want to direct my attention to my English. Where to start from? My level. How proficient am I in English? While I’m looking for any system that eventually could give some metrical view to my abilities questions have arisen - is that useful, will I not focus more to the measurement than to the language use?

That’s right! The use of language. I’m no longer in school. The most important thing is the fluency. I have a lot of interruptions when I start to express myself in English. Even right now I’ve opened the dictionary looking for the meaning of “fluency”. It came to my mind at first but after that I had to check its meaning out not because I didn’t know it. I was not quite sure. It seems that if I know the word meaning but not entirely I am going to waste almost the same time to check it out just like if I never have heard of that word. And what about the grammar? Tenses, conditional sentences. Idioms and phrasal verbs. And many other things that I even can’t remember now. The good thing is that I have some confidence. It’s very small but quite enough and makes me feel comfortable to read some basic explanations of grammar and so on.

Yeah, this blog seems to become a bin of my thoughts in English. And why not?! If it works for me let it be a bin. And if I can recycle anything from the waste into a useful tool I will continue. Again that abstract line of thinking and never ending desire to be an original one. Look at my domain name! Selfdiver!!! It’s not even an existing word! It combines two existing words waiting for some admiring like “Oh what a beautiful new word comes to our English Universe! You are so nice and fresh!” That’s a part of me. Bigger part. Sometimes I like it but sometimes I feel it’s going to eat me. It always wants to be original no matter what it takes and who will be hurt or annoyed. It wants its fifteen minutes of glory. Most of the time. And it consumes part of my time to train myself in some discipline and consistence. This is what really misses in my portfolio. Discipline. Without it I will never grow up! Is that possible to be creative and disciplined at the same time? Why not try both of them?! My creativity will keep my interest while my tiny little discipline will keep the course of my journey and put me back on it when I spontaneously divert my attention to every attractive thing that wastes my time.

So many branches I have to jump at in this jungle. Branches and their count are less important. Jumping is more important. Let me jump here!

It took me a couple of days before I dare to write my first post. I was nervous and insecure. Did I really have to write anything out there? Could I say anything useful to the potential audience? Do I have a talent? Is my English good enough? I felt that If I continue asking questions only and not giving them even a slight response my mind is going to be blocked. I realize that each of these questions couldn’t get a constant and sufficient answer. I think they just need some food. Questions I mean. I imagine them like flowers in a garden. They need water, light, minerals. If they are being fed they will be fresh and I even enjoy them. Otherwise they are going to rot converting my mind into very unpleasant and scary place to stay.

Writing this post I didn’t answer to any of above mentioned questions. I just give them some food and keep them fresh. They are the flowers in my garden.

Ivan

Dear Reader,

Welcome to my personal blog! I will try to write at least one post a week here. My idea is to train and improve my English skills and myself too. This is a place where I will note my ups and downs. So it will be sort of a personal development blog focused at English learning at first. If you are either a native English speaker, or just better than me don’t hesitate to leave your critical comments about my writing style, grammar and improper use of words. I will appreciate it.

Well the blog is open for all of you nevertheless your English or life skills. If you find something interesting to comment you are welcome! I just need an interaction. In English, please!

Ivan